• I want to be a psychiatrist but that would mean getting into medical school and that’s literally impossible for me. Only sixty people in the whole country gets into medical school in university so that’s impossible. I’m going for clinical psychologist now, meaning I’ll get a diploma in psychology at polytechnic and if my GPA is good enough, I’ll go to a university to get a degree, then with honours, then masters and then a PhD and then I can branch out to become a clinical psychologist. It’s all too hard and I’m too stupid to advance. I’m just too dumb for anything. I dream too big and maybe I’ll end up with a job working as the cashier at McDonalds’. I hate it. I hate me.
• I’ve wanted to be a psychiatrist since I was 14, I’ve always thought it was interesting and it’d be nice to help people, prevent them from killing themselves, make them realise that they matter and give them the help that they need. But guess what? I think I’m the one needing help. I refuse to say “I’m depressed” because I don’t know that. I’m not medically/clinically diagnosed with it. I’m just sad all the time, I’m way too negative about everything, I get upset about every little thing I can get upset about and I go crazy if I don’t cut for too long. I try to stop, I try to get better but it just doesn’t get better. Everything will be okay, people say. But when? How long will I have to wait till everything becomes perfect. My mom thinks I have a mood disorder, my sister tells me I’m an attention seeker, my sister tells me I’m fat and my dad wishes for me to go to junior college but I really would rather go to a polytechnic. And my best friend seems like she doesn’t care anymore and I think she’s giving up because there’s nothing she can do. We made sort of a deal, last week, for me to “stay happy” for at least two weeks. But a few days after that deal was made, I told her I couldn’t. I wasn’t happy and I wanted to be honest about it. I was devastated, because I’m lost and upset and I didn’t have a sense of direction and so I said “I’m backing out of our deal”. And I thought as a best friend, I thought, that if she knew I was upset, she’d try to console me or cheer me up. At least an attempt of it but what she said was “Okay, your loss.” I know it’s my loss but I really didn’t expect it to come from her. I can’t tell my family anything because they’ll think I’m crazy and the only people I can turn to are my friends. But it feels like my best friend is not being much of a friend anymore. And I’m trying so hard to be okay, to be normal even though the need to be perfect is intensifying but right now my goal is to just be okay. I think I need medical help but I can’t. I can’t not pretend in front of my parents because they would send me to a psychiatrist or a therapist and that would just ruin any chances of me getting into the psychology course I want to get into next year. I will be better next year, I promise. I keep telling myself everything will get better somehow but I need to do this myself. I can’t get help.

This is my personal twitter, just like how this is my personal blog which not many people in real life know about. I have a main tumblr and a main twitter, as you know (I think). I update on this personal twitter more often than this blog because when I post on here, I’d rather a full paragraph than post sentence by sentence. Most of the time my brain just doesn’t flow smoothly, hence the twitter. So just request, I’ll accept and follow you back :)